Monday, December 1, 2014

Je ne regrette rien.

Nightmares every night for a week.  Re-living awful memories from my 20's.  Every psycho person, every fight with asshole ex boyfriends,  foot-in-my-mouth moments, my kidney failing--everything that has shaped me into a cynical, traumatized adult has been replaying in my head over and over as I attempt to sleep.  Waking up, as early and dark as it is outside of my head, has become a huge relief.

I have realized today, as I'm mulling over the decisions I've made over the past ten years that I've taken a lot of insignificant things too seriously.  Freaking out or suffering over trivial matters that at the time seemed like the end of the world.  Putting everything into perspective, looking at the good and the bad, side by side, the bad in my life has become a drop of water in the Pacific Fucking Ocean.

I went through old pictures and remembered all those fun, meaningful moments staring at me through my computer screen.  I did all these things, I LIVED THIS.  And all I can do is smile. And feel grateful.  And continue on seeing memories as either happy, or leaving them in the past.

I can now safely laugh at all those "traumatizing moments" and finally give myself credit for the things I had the courage to do.  Even if a lot of things may be seen as irresponsible mistakes to others, I see them as incredible experiences that have made me who I am today.  And as I look back towards what I thought were mistakes, I realize that after every one of them, something much better happened in my life: it was like I was opening up a new door, making space for a new adventure.

Especially when I look at the present outcome.

I no longer want to be famous or be cellulite free or "the most ___" at something.  Fuck making comparisons.  Fuck competition.  Don't get me wrong, I'm an ambitious person, but somethings are starting to sound trivial and childish at my almost 31 years of age. I just want happiness, and growth, learning and adventure.  I pinpointed it, finally.

I also realized today how I've always had very good friends throughout these situations, and how truly priceless that has been. Through relationships, travel, work, school--EVERYTHING--I have managed to develop and maintain some really strong friendships.

Life's warning label should mention how important it is to not leave true friends behind for anything and how to leave behind those friends that come with an expiration date.

This week I turn 31.  A week later I start a brand new job.  An adult job with business attire, 8 hours in an office, a boss, a salary--a routine!  I've never had this, believe it or not.  I would have run towards the nearest exit in the past but not now.  I took the time to find something that I will truly enjoy and that I will be good at.  Choosing a job like this is part of knowing who you are and what you want in life.  I feel confident that I will make the best of it, and remember-- there is always something better to come.  ALWAYS.

I'm hoping after writing this I will sleep like a baby tonight and dream of my next adventure.  All I know is that if I wake up tomorrow having dreamt of another traumatizing mistake, I will do my best to laugh about it, brew some strong coffee, and move forward.

Here's my dramatic ending to this blog post: